Originally posted on Facebook on August 31, 2018.
Somehow I’ve made it through another year, and I lived to tell the tale.
Turning 29 feels old because I’m still young inside.
It’s kind of like the end of the book “Fog Magic” when Greta tells her father she thinks getting older is like climbing a staircase. Each birthday is another step up, but the stairs curve at her twelfth birthday and she says she can’t see what’s on the other side of it.
It hasn’t been an easy year if I’m honest.
But I’ve had more days in the light than in the dark. It’s been too many years back to count the last time my soul felt this much peace.
I have a bad day every once in a while, waking up not particularly wanting to be alive. But that used to be every day. For years on end.
Last year I told you all that I can’t even count the times I almost died. I was 14 the first time I hurt so much that I wanted to stop existing and that whole year I was a gray husk of myself. It was survival, it wasn’t living.
Suicide prevention outreach has the same theme as the popular 90s song “Lean on Me” — reach out when you’re hurting, don’t go this alone. Tell someone.
But sometimes the pain strikes at 2 a.m. when all your friends are asleep. Maybe it’s a whole week until your next appointment with your counselor.
That’s what the Crisis Text Line is for.
I’ve had panic hit so hard that inflicting wounds on my body looked like the only way out and I’ve texted 741741.
Another human talked me out of my spiral until I leveled out, just with simple text messages.
“What are you feeling right now?”
“What do you think is bringing up this feeling?”
“It’s totally understandable that what happened to you would make you feel that way. You’re not crazy.”
“Are you feeling any calmer?”
“What are you going to do to take care of yourself tonight?”
It’s often been my lifeline when I worried about exhausting my friends or couldn’t talk to a counselor right away. Sometimes all you need is that little boost reminding you to breathe.
Donating over $200 to TWLOHA last year was such a beautiful way to keep living and passing that on to others that I wanted to sponsor another suicide prevention program this year.
I totally understand if you can’t. No pressure.
But it’s another organization that has helped me stay alive, and I deeply appreciate them.
Crisis Text Line: http://donorbox.org/crisistextline
The Trevor Project:http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/donate