I realized something the other day. My anxiety has always been really bad.
It used to make me throw up when I was a kid. Or get really dizzy.
I often couldn’t put it into words.
But it’s only just now that I could start expressing it in a way that my best friend said to me a few weeks ago, “Your anxiety is bad like mine, you should consider meds.”
It’s ironic because my anxiety is overall a lot better than last year or really any year for as long as I can remember. There are so many more moments when I feel level or calm, even at work or around people in authority (because I get nervous around anyone in authority).
I still have those SPIKE moments where the panic gets really bad and sharp, but my friends only notice them now /because/ they’re not an all-the-time thing.
It’s no longer my state of existence.
Like. My whole body feels different. Yoga is more effective now than a few years ago.
I don’t feel like cutting my arms off when I wake up in the morning like last October. I don’t want to throw myself off a building because vulnerability is terrifying. I don’t want to hurt myself most of the time.
The “I need to punish myself” feeling creeps back in when the anxiety spikes, but it’s not a constant thing that I live under.
So it’s really funny / sad / ironic that just now I can communicate well enough that people are like “you need meds.”
If only they knew before. Good lord.
My 9-year-old self started to feel defensive, like people think we aren’t making progress when they suggest medication. The rest of me felt like I should talk to Mark about it.
Then adult me (who is always more rational) had this sudden realization that it must be a communication issue and my counselor is right that I deeply internalized so many feelings before that people literally had no idea a lot of times what I was suffering under.
And then I wondered if this means that maybe I won’t need meds or if I do that maybe I can live without them one day, because if I can talk about it in a way that other people can actually see it, then I must be getting better.
Or maybe I do need meds.
But still. This is progress.