Anxiety thoughts

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I realized something the other day. My anxiety has always been really bad.

It used to make me throw up when I was a kid. Or get really dizzy.

I often couldn’t put it into words.

But it’s only just now that I could start expressing it in a way that my best friend said to me a few weeks ago, “Your anxiety is bad like mine, you should consider meds.”

It’s ironic because my anxiety is overall a lot better than last year or really any year for as long as I can remember. There are so many more moments when I feel level or calm, even at work or around people in authority (because I get nervous around anyone in authority).

I still have those SPIKE moments where the panic gets really bad and sharp, but my friends only notice them now /because/ they’re not an all-the-time thing.

It’s no longer my state of existence.

Like. My whole body feels different. Yoga is more effective now than a few years ago.

I don’t feel like cutting my arms off when I wake up in the morning like last October. I don’t want to throw myself off a building because vulnerability is terrifying. I don’t want to hurt myself most of the time.

The “I need to punish myself” feeling creeps back in when the anxiety spikes, but it’s not a constant thing that I live under.

So it’s really funny / sad / ironic that just now I can communicate well enough that people are like “you need meds.”

Heh.

If only they knew before. Good lord.

My 9 year old self started to feel defensive, like people think we aren’t making progress when they suggest medication. The rest of me felt like I should talk to Mark about it.

Then adult me (who is always more rational) had this sudden realization that it must be a communication issue and my counselor is right that I deeply internalized so many feelings before that people literally had no idea a lot of times what I was suffering under.

And then I wondered if this means that maybe I won’t need meds or if I do that maybe I can live without them one day, because if I can talk about it in a way that other people can actually see it, then I must be getting better.

Or maybe I do need meds.

But still. This is progress.

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2 thoughts on “Anxiety thoughts

  1. Pege Rogers says:

    Eleanor, I take medication for anxiety. They help me a lot. It’s worth a try to see of they can help…or not. It is nice to have a choice though. I do like you are doing YOGA and learning to breathe and be present in the moment. I recommend reading some books about people who have over come difficult childhoods. Sometimes childhood trauma needs to be resolved and then the anxiety lessons. Mine has, but the meds bring an extra level or help. If you have any questions, contact me. Yes and I am a believer in Christ. Christians do and can suffer from these things and still love God. It’s ok.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pege Rogers says:

    I do suggest talking to a qualified medical doctor, preferably someone very familiar with mental health and the various medications that can be used. I also suggest digging into natural herbs, spices, and vitamins that you might need. Deficiencies can cause problems in our bodies. Maybe a physical would be prudent. Get some blood work. Check your thyroid, and other hormones before going on anxiety meds.
    Could be so many things that can cause these feelings just not thoughts. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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